


Three Men and a ZPM

by ShaneVansen



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-27
Updated: 2010-02-27
Packaged: 2017-10-07 14:28:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/66035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaneVansen/pseuds/ShaneVansen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rodney and Radek are off-world.  Lorne's watching over them.  Conversation ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three Men and a ZPM

**Author's Note:**

> Written for two of the [drabble tree](http://community.livejournal.com/lostcityfound/199359.html) [winners](http://community.livejournal.com/lostcityfound/200462.html) on LJ's lostcityfound. Peanutbutterer requested "Lorne, Rodney, Radek. Women." and Speckleberry wanted "What's so scary about her?" / "She can kill you with her mind." re: Elizabeth. Two birds, one stone. Yay me!
> 
> Ignores the semi-canon relationship between Rodney McKay and Katie Brown.
> 
> Um, the "science"? Is utterly made up and completely cringe-worthy. Sorry 'bout that.
> 
> Originally posted to LJ April 2007.

Lorne wandered up the path to where the scientists were working, nodding a dismissal to the sergeant who had been keeping an eye on them for the past few hours. "Lieutenant Cadman?" he overheard Zelenka ask as he scanned the area.

McKay snorted in response. "Are you kidding me? Readjust the frequency by point-zero-zero-two percent." Cocking an eyebrow, Lorne moved closer. "One, I think she's still with Carson, for reasons I can't even begin to guess. Two, the woman loves her explosives way too much. Three, she was in my head. There's something way too creepy about that. Any change?"

"Nothing. What about that nurse, the redhead who is always offering to give you spongebaths when you are in the infirmary?"

"Oh, please. A nurse? Medicine is barely even a science – what would we possibly have to talk about? Adjust it by another point-zero-zero-one."

"Dr. Röhm, then? She has a lovely smile. And there is still no change."

"She doesn't like coffee. I don't trust a woman who doesn't like coffee. Maybe we should try a different harmonic?"

Lorne finally caved. "What are you two talking about?" he asked, and McKay and Zelenka both snapped their heads up in his direction.

"Major." Zelenka greeted him with a nod.

McKay frowned at him. "How long have you been here?"

"Long enough. What're you two up to?"

"We're trying to figure out a way around the shield that's keeping us from getting to the ZPM. Weren't you at the briefing? Or was I using too many big words for you to follow?"

Lorne shot him a sour look. "I know that. I meant, what were you two discussing while you were failing to lower the shield?"

"We were just—I mean, Radek was—"

Zelenka interrupted McKay's sputtering. "We were attempting to find a date for Rodney."

McKay shot upright. "We were not! Why would you--?!"

"You were lamenting the lack of available women on Atlantis. I am pointing out that there are a number of them who are unattached. For what reason if not to find you a date?"

Lorne started to chuckle as McKay gaped speechlessly at his friend. "Having some trouble with women are you, McKay?"

"I'm not--!"

With a calming motion of his hands, Lorne changed the subject. "How're you guys coming with the shield?"

The scientists switched gears without missing a beat. "We are attempting to find a frequency which will interrupt the shield harmonic. We have thus far been unsuccessful."

Lorne threw a stone at the ZPM, watching the shield flare brightly. "No kidding," he drawled. "And here I thought you were just taking some time to lounge in the sun before we headed back home."

"If you're not going to help, then leave us alone so we can get back to work," McKay snarked at him. Lorne raised his hands in surrender and pivoted to scan the perimeter as the other two men turned back to the elusive ZPM.

Their chatter dissolved into scientific mumbo jumbo that Lorne immediately tuned out. His job was to make sure they didn't get hurt while they figured out a way around the shield; he didn't need to know how they did it. If they did it.

"What about Sergeant Greene?" he asked suddenly.

McKay stared blankly at him for a moment before understanding flared across his face. "She's a marine. They're all so... military."

Lorne stifled a laugh at the _ya think?_ expression on Zelenka's face. "Dr. Heightmeyer?" he asked.

"She's—" Something McKay did caused the shield to squeal and he jerked back, dropping his diagnostic tool. The sound stopped.

"She's what?" Lorne asked after a moment.

"Huh?"

"Kate. She's what?" Too late he caught the defensive tone of his voice and Lorne bit his tongue, wishing he could call back the words, but neither of the scientists seemed to notice.

"She's a psychologist. I don't need my date shrinking my head all night. Ah!" He waved a finger in Zelenka's face. "Not a word."

"Dr. Weir?" Zelenka proposed.

"Oh, no way."

"She's scary," agreed Lorne.

Zelenka frowned. "What is so scary about her?"

McKay waved his hands through the air. "She can kill you with her mind."

The other man looked confused. "I do not understand."

"Teyla?" Lorne suggested, and did a double-take when McKay's face started to turn red. "You're kidding me. Seriously? You have a thing for Teyla?"

"I don't!"

"You are blushing," Zelenka declared. "I do not believe I have ever seen you blush."

"I am not!"

"Rodney and Teyla, sitting in a tree," Lorne sing-songed.

"Oh, what, are you _twelve_?!"

The shield screeched again, a high-pitched sound that had Lorne clapping his hands uselessly over his ears. "What did you do?" he yelled at McKay, who was busy doing... _something_ with his equipment, and after a moment the ear-piercing shriek stopped. "What was that?"

"Harmonic dissonance caused by interference with the shield's frequency," he replied distractedly, typing quickly on his laptop. Then he picked up a stone, tossed it at the ZPM, and grinned as it sailed passed where a protective barrier had once stood. "I did it!" he announced happily.

Lorne moved toward the module, only to be stopped by McKay. "What do you think you're doing?"

The major frowned at him. "Retrieving the ZPM?"

"You're not qualified to handle it. You and Radek can carry the equipment—" he gestured at the heavy-looking scientific paraphernalia scattered on the ground around them "—and I'll carry the ZPM."

Lorne shot a nasty look at the oblivious scientist before beginning to gather up everything they needed to transport back to Atlantis. Once they had everything packed away, the three men headed toward the 'gate.

"So..." Lorne started, breaking the silence. "Teyla?"

Zelenka snickered.

McKay glared.

_\--end--_


End file.
